


I miss you

by feentanz



Series: One Shots [28]
Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Post-Break Up, im sorry, this made me cry while writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:22:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22161736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feentanz/pseuds/feentanz
Summary: He lifted the bottle to his lips, taking a large sip. He made a face as the liquid reached his throat, then handed her the bottle. Zoya’s fingers grazed over his for just a second, but it was enough to send a shiver down her spine. She hated him. She truly did. Because he was a king and she was only his general, and she could never be anything more than that.
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Series: One Shots [28]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/594364
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	I miss you

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song _I miss you_ by Julia Michaels.

Zoya was staring at Os Alta beneath her, the city bathed in moonlight. She lifted the bottle to her lips, the one filled with the only thing which perhaps might make her forget about this night. The whiskey burned in her throat but she savoured it, needed it. Needed to hold onto it, because if she didn’t, she might think too long about the roaring ache in her heart. And a general could hardly afford that. 

Even up on the balcony she could hear the music and cheering from the Little Palace, ringing up to her. Genya had outdone herself with the wedding party, and people from all over the continent had come to see the alliance of Ravka and Shu Han, to see the marriage between Nikolai and Ehri to be sealed. 

Zoya drowned more whiskey at the thought of it. It was her own fault, in a way. She had pushed Nikolai to marry, to save the country. And then she had let her guard down and gotten attached. The first time she had woken up in Nikolai’s bed it had been all fun and games, a distraction. But then… he had told her he loved her. A week before his wedding, he had told her that if she wanted to, he would make her his queen instead. 

Zoya felt the unwelcome prickle of tears behind her eyes, blinking them away. She had done it for Ravka. Because this country needed an alliance, and could hardly afford any more tensions with the Shu. Her heart came second in those matters. 

Something cracked behind her, and then the door to the balcony was shoved open. Zoya gazed over her shoulder, already knowing who would be joining her right now. “This is my hiding spot, your Highness,” she remarked, without turning. “Go find another one.” She took another sip of whiskey, putting the bottle down. 

Nikolai came up beside her, leaning onto the railing. “I was actually looking for you. Genya was worried.” 

Zoya didn’t reply, only continued to stare straight ahead. She couldn’t look at him right now. She would lose her mind otherwise. “Shouldn’t you be with your bride?” she asked instead, her tone sharp. 

Nikolai snorted. “She hates me, remember? Doesn’t even want to spend two minutes in my presence. How do you suppose I make this marriage work?” 

She didn’t care. Couldn’t care. “Charm her into loving you, it’s what you do best,” she snapped, a little too harsh. Giving her feelings away. 

Nikolai reached for her, as if to calm her anger, but she pulled away. For a second her power rushed to the surface, little sparks of lightning running over her skin. Zoya turned away, pressing her lips together.  _ Why couldn’t he just leave her alone?  _

“You told me to marry her,” Nikolai said quietly. “You told me to charm her, bed her, make an heir.”  
  
Those had been her words, but Zoya had hardly meant them. Even now, she was glad to hear that Ehri still loathed Nikolai. Because once she stopped, and they really began to spend the nights together… Zoya didn’t want to imagine. She reached for the whiskey again, but Nikolai was faster. 

He lifted the bottle to his lips, taking a large sip. He made a face as the liquid reached his throat, then handed her the bottle. Zoya’s fingers grazed over his for just a second, but it was enough to send a shiver down her spine. She hated him. She truly did. Because he was a king and she was only his general, and she could never be anything more than that. 

“Zoya,” Nikolai said softly, his voice so sad that it might have just broken her heart, if it had not already been shattered right within her chest. 

“I can’t,” she replied, turning away again, because she simply refused to be the other woman. She refused to stand by and watch Ehri slowly fall in love with Nikolai, and in the meantime still clinging to the hope that things might change one day. “And if you don’t leave then I will,” she added, fighting for her voice to sound like she meant it. Like she would walk away. 

But Nikolai walked over to her, blocking her path so she was forced to look at him. “I can’t do it,” he said desperately, voice now rough. “I can’t stay away.” 

Zoya stared up at him, face drowned in moonlight, and she couldn’t move.  _ Turn away,  _ her inner voice was hissing. She opened her lips to reply, to say anything at all, but she couldn’t. She was utterly defenseless. 

And so she didn’t resist when Nikolai leaned down and desperately pressed his lips to hers, his hands curling up in her hair. Zoya pressed herself against him, fingers running over his chest so she could feel the fast beating of his heart under her fingertips. The world around them seemed to have stopped spinning. 

Until suddenly the memories came back, and Zoya stumbled back. This was not supposed to happen. Not anymore. 

Nikolai gave her an apologetic look, his eyes truly sorry. 

“Go,” Zoya simply said, giving him a hard look.  _ To live is to grieve.  _ She could feel Juris’ fire running through her veins, paired with her own lightning. “Go be with your bride, your Highness.” 

Nikolai didn’t move for a moment, possibly searching for the doubt in her eyes, the silent plea for him to stay. But he never found it. His gaze dropped as he turned on his heel and left, without looking back. 

Zoya reached for the bottle again, downing another sip of whiskey. She didn’t feel the burning anymore. She didn’t feel anything at all. 

oOo

Nikolai sat in the massive ballroom, watching the crowd in front of him. But his mind was far away. His mind was with Zoya, upstairs on the rooftop. The shadow of a kiss was still lingering on his lips, but even worse was the expression he had seen in Zoya’s eyes. How she had told him to go. He had always been grateful for her ruthlessness, and yet only today, he had wished for her to give in. 

Ehri was sitting next to him, back turned to him, an icy expression on her face. She was nipping on a glass of wine, not even bothering to hide her disdain. 

Nikolai’s gaze darted towards the door, towards the familiar figure who had just slipped inside. Even from a distance, he could spot that Zoya was drunk. Her hair was messy and her dress rumpled, and yet she looked so beautiful that Nikolai had a hard time keeping his emotions together. All he wanted was to get up and take her into his arms.  _ He had married the wrong woman.  _

He remembered the last time he had properly talked to Zoya, the day he had told her that he loved her. That he wanted to make her his queen. He had never expected her to agree, had known that whatever he might say it would never make a difference. 

And yet he couldn’t forget the expression on her face, the hurt he had seen in her eyes, just for a moment before she had managed to hide it. He had seen it again, today on the rooftop. His heart ached at the thought of Zoya in pain because of him. 

Nikolai watched her walk towards the other end of the room, and then suddenly everything within him froze as he noticed who she had been looking for.  _ Kirigin.  _ He came up beside her now, one hand already on her waist, steadying her. Nikolai felt a hot wave of jealousy rushing through him, so intense that for a moment he didn’t feel anything else. But he couldn’t act. Because just today, he had spoken his vows to Ehri. 

Zoya was leaning heavily on Kirigin’s arm, saying something to him, causing him to laugh in response. Nikolai felt sick. He couldn’t endure this, not for the rest of his life. How was he expected to watch, to stay away, to work beside Zoya every day? That was a special sort of torture.  _ How was he supposed to watch her with another man?  _

Ehri shifted next to him, regarding him with a disinterested glance. “I will go to bed,” she remarked, her gaze following the direction of Nikolai’s stare. Something like realization gleamed in her eyes. “It’s comforting to know that this marriage is equally terrible for the both of us,” she added dryly, turning away from Zoya and Kirigin. “Goodnight.”   
  
Nikolai didn’t have it in him to even reply. He didn’t make a move to follow her. He just kept staring straight ahead. Zoya was running her fingers along Kirigin’s chest now, leaning closer, while he rested a hand on her lower back. Nikolai had trouble breathing. He was tempted to get up and walk over there, pick Zoya up and just carry her away. Or, perhaps better, break every bone in Kirigin’s body for even touching her. 

But he was a king, and she was not his queen. Ravka could not afford any more trouble. 

And so he watched Zoya leave with Kirigin, unable to do anything.  _ Was this how she had felt when he had walked down the aisle today?  _ Perhaps this was what he deserved, for messing up whatever precious thing Zoya and him had had between them, before Nikolai had overstepped and made it complicated. Before he had kissed her for the first time. That day everything had gone to hell. 

Because once he had gotten a taste, he had not been able to stay away. And he couldn’t rid himself of the memory either. Even on the rooftop, when she had been standing right in front of him, the sensation of missing Zoya had almost ripped his heart in two. He missed the smile she tried so hard to hide from everyone, the way she rolled her eyes at him, the way she pursed her lips when she was annoyed. He missed seeing her eyes light up with anger.

Even if she had just screamed at him, it would have been easier to endure than what she had offered him instead. Indifference. Pain. And he could not even blame her. 

Because this was their reality. This was all they could ever have. 


End file.
